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Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
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11:40 pm - ....
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its been a long long while. everything is still pretty much the same. started my extern for school and hate it. me and derrick are doing awesome..5 months now..havent been with a guy that long in about 2 years. its good tho. i like it. i got a tattoo on my lower back of a red and black nautical star with tribal behind it. its cool..almost completely healed now. family is all the same. mark and kaitlyn broke up and he packed up all her pictures and shit she gave him and mailed it back to her. (mark is my brother for those of you who dont know.) cant decide whether i want to be a mortician or a pharmacist...mortician: 2 years of school, 55-60,000 a year. pharmacist: 7 years of school, 90-95,000 a year. i dunno yet. ill figure somethin out. i miss school really bad. i miss laughing at audrey making fun of how white i sound when i talk and i miss seeing everybody and laughing all goddamn day and just chillin. i miss seeing derrick every morning and hanging out with him right after school. work sucks. i want to be 12 again...those were the days. well im gona..maybe more later.
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| Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
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1:21 pm
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Marilyn Manson's statement:
Columbine: Whose Fault Is It?
I don't like the media, but the media likes me.
It is sad to think that the first few people on earth needed no books, movies, games or music to inspire cold-blooded murder. The day that Cain bashed his brother Abel's brains in, the only motivation he needed was his own human disposition to violence. Whether you interpret the Bible as literature or as the final word of whatever God may be, Christianity has given us an image of death and sexuality that we have based our culture around. A half-naked dead man hangs in most homes and around our necks, and we have just taken that for granted all our lives. Is it a symbol of hope or hopelessness? The world's most famous murder-suicide was also the birth of the death icon -- the blueprint for celebrity. Unfortunately, for all of their inspiring morality, nowhere in the Gospels is intelligence praised as a virtue.
A lot of people forget or never realize that I started my band as a criticism of these very issues of despair and hypocrisy. The name Marilyn Manson has never celebrated the sad fact that America puts killers on the cover of Time magazine, giving them as much notoriety as our favorite movie stars. From Jesse James to Charles Manson, the media, since their inception, have turned criminals into folk heroes. They just created two new ones when they plastered those dipshits Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris' pictures on the front of every newspaper. Don't be surprised if every kid who gets pushed around has two new idols.
We applaud the creation of a bomb whose sole purpose is to destroy all of mankind, and we grow up watching our president's brains splattered all over Texas. Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised. Does anyone think the Civil War was the least bit civil? If television had existed, you could be sure they would have been there to cover it, or maybe even participate in it, like their violent car chase of Princess Di. Disgusting vultures looking for corpses, exploiting, fucking, filming and serving it up for our hungry appetites in a gluttonous display of endless human stupidity.
When it comes down to who's to blame for the high school murders in Littleton, Colorado, throw a rock and you'll hit someone who's guilty. We're the people who sit back and tolerate children owning guns, and we're the ones who tune in and watch the up-to-the-minute details of what they do with them. I think it's terrible when anyone dies, especially if it is someone you know and love. But what is more offensive is that when these tragedies happen, most people don't really care any more than they would about the season finale of Friends or The Real World. I was dumbfounded as I watched the media snake right in, not missing a teardrop, interviewing the parents of dead children, televising the funerals. Then came the witch hunt.
Man's greatest fear is chaos. It was unthinkable that these kids did not have a simple black-and-white reason for their actions. And so a scapegoat was needed. I remember hearing the initial reports from Littleton, that Harris and Klebold were wearing makeup and were dressed like Marilyn Manson, whom they obviously must worship, since they were dressed in black. Of course, speculation snowballed into making me the poster boy for everything that is bad in the world. These two idiots weren't wearing makeup, and they weren't dressed like me or like goths. Since Middle America has not heard of the music they did listen to (KMFDM and Rammstein, among others), the media picked something they thought was similar.
Responsible journalists have reported with less publicity that Harris and Klebold were not Marilyn Manson fans -- that they even disliked my music. Even if they were fans, that gives them no excuse, nor does it mean that music is to blame. Did we look for James Huberty's inspiration when he gunned down people at McDonald's? What did Timothy McVeigh like to watch? What about David Koresh, Jim Jones? Do you think entertainment inspired Kip Kinkel, or should we blame the fact that his father bought him the guns he used in the Springfield, Oregon, murders? What inspires Bill Clinton to blow people up in Kosovo? Was it something that Monica Lewinsky said to him? Isn't killing just killing, regardless if it's in Vietnam or Jonesboro, Arkansas? Why do we justify one, just because it seems to be for the right reasons? Should there ever be a right reason? If a kid is old enough to drive a car or buy a gun, isn't he old enough to be held personally responsible for what he does with his car or gun? Or if he's a teenager, should someone else be blamed because he isn't as enlightened as an eighteen-year-old?
America loves to find an icon to hang its guilt on. But, admittedly, I have assumed the role of Antichrist; I am the Nineties voice of individuality, and people tend to associate anyone who looks and behaves differently with illegal or immoral activity. Deep down, most adults hate people who go against the grain. It's comical that people are naive enough to have forgotten Elvis, Jim Morrison and Ozzy so quickly. All of them were subjected to the same age-old arguments, scrutiny and prejudice. I wrote a song called "Lunchbox," and some journalists have interpreted it as a song about guns. Ironically, the song is about being picked on and fighting back with my Kiss lunch box, which I used as a weapon on the playground. In 1979, metal lunch boxes were banned because they were considered dangerous weapons in the hands of delinquents. I also wrote a song called "Get Your Gunn." The title is spelled with two n's because the song was a reaction to the murder of Dr. David Gunn, who was killed in Florida by pro-life activists while I was living there. That was the ultimate hypocrisy I witnessed growing up: that these people killed someone in the name of being "pro-life."
The somewhat positive messages of these songs are usually the ones that sensationalists misinterpret as promoting the very things I am decrying. Right now, everyone is thinking of how they can prevent things like Littleton. How do you prevent AIDS, world war, depression, car crashes? We live in a free country, but with that freedom there is a burden of personal responsibility. Rather than teaching a child what is moral and immoral, right and wrong, we first and foremost can establish what the laws that govern us are. You can always escape hell by not believing in it, but you cannot escape death and you cannot escape prison.
It is no wonder that kids are growing up more cynical; they have a lot of information in front of them. They can see that they are living in a world that's made of bullshit. In the past, there was always the idea that you could turn and run and start something better. But now America has become one big mall, and because of the Internet and all of the technology we have, there's nowhere to run. People are the same everywhere. Sometimes music, movies and books are the only things that let us feel like someone else feels like we do. I've always tried to let people know it's OK, or better, if you don't fit into the program. Use your imagination -- if some geek from Ohio can become something, why can't anyone else with the willpower and creativity?
I chose not to jump into the media frenzy and defend myself, though I was begged to be on every single TV show in existence. I didn't want to contribute to these fame-seeking journalists and opportunists looking to fill their churches or to get elected because of their self-righteous finger-pointing. They want to blame entertainment? Isn't religion the first real entertainment? People dress up in costumes, sing songs and dedicate themselves in eternal fandom. Everyone will agree that nothing was more entertaining than Clinton shooting off his prick and then his bombs in true political form. And the news -- that's obvious. So is entertainment to blame? I'd like media commentators to ask themselves, because their coverage of the event was some of the most gruesome entertainment any of us have seen.
I think that the National Rifle Association is far too powerful to take on, so most people choose Doom, The Basketball Diaries or yours truly. This kind of controversy does not help me sell records or tickets, and I wouldn't want it to. I'm a controversial artist, one who dares to have an opinion and bothers to create music and videos that challenge people's ideas in a world that is watered-down and hollow. In my work I examine the America we live in, and I've always tried to show people that the devil we blame our atrocities on is really just each one of us. So don't expect the end of the world to come one day out of the blue -- it's been happening every day for a long time.
MARILYN MANSON
(May 28, 1999)
Hell yeah...that man is a genius. Even if you dont like him or his music, I dont think anyone can read that statement and actually say that he is wrong. If you can though, I would like to hear how..so leave a comment.
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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9:54 pm
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I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I shouldn't be here, without permission
I shouldn't be here
Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon
I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
I went through your drawers
And found your cologne
I went down to the den
I found your cd's
And I played your Joni
And I shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn't stay long
Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon
I burned your incense
I ran a bath
And I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said "Hello love, I love you so love, meet me at midnight"
And no, it wasn't my writing
I'd better go soon
It wasn't my writing
So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
For the salt in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon
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| Monday, March 15th, 2004
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11:25 pm
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i just got home not too long ago from hanging out with john john, john, jamiee, and christi. it was fun...i guess. i like seeing the two johns, theyre always fun. but christ and jamiee can get on my nerves sometimes. oh well. ive never really gotten along with girls. i mean, i am a girl, but most of them just seem so fake and two faced to me. anyway...we just hung out all night and chilled. it was cool. good to get outt the house for a while. i miss derrick. i hate always wanting to be with him. i mean its cool since ive never felt this way about anyone before, but it sucks too becuase it means that im becoming vulnerable and i dont like that. i dont like feeling like my happiness depends on someone. being with him makes me happier than almost anything in the world. he is so amazing. uhhh i hate this. i guess its a good thing tho. i dunno...im too tired to type anything that makes sense right now so i will go...take care everyone.
Im finding my way back to sanity again
Though I dont really know what Im gonna do when i get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
Then gracefully fall back to the arms of grace
Cause I am hanging on every word youre saying
Even if you dont wanna speak tonight thats alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heavens door and listen to you breathing, thats where I wanna be
Im looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and Im trying to identify the voices in my head
God which ones you
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me one more time
Cause I am hanging on every word youre saying
Even if you dont wanna speak tonight thats alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heavens door and listen to you breathing, thats where I wanna be
I dont want a thing from you
I bet youre tired of me waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
I just wanna be here now
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3:23 pm
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You are Marilyn Manson, the arch dandy. You like
dead things, absinthe and wearing make up.
You're also dating a porn star, go you!
If You Were In Marilyn Manson Who Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla
Im in love with that man...and apparently i would be him if i were in his band..heh. im not dating any porn star tho...
but yes i am in love.
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| Sunday, March 14th, 2004
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9:48 pm - bowling for columbine is my hero
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i cant believe that it took me so long to sit down and watch Bowling for Columbine. that is the best movie i have ever seen. the awesome Michael Moore pretty much took all of my views and opinions and had the guts the put them on tape and throw them in America's face. im glad that i now know that we have atleast a few intelligent people walking the streets of this godless country. not saying that those views should be everyones view because opinions are just that-opinions, but i wish that people would actually think about what this country is doing to itself and the fact that the majority of us just sit back and let it happen. and then we wonder why there is so much hate flooding the streets and so much evil running the world. its not anyones fault but our own. and we cant point fingers at anyone until we realize that we have to make it change. tossing the blame from person to person is just adding to the trouble. Marilyn Manson summed it all up when he was asked what he would say to Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (the boys who did the massacre at Columbine high school) if he had the chance to talk to them face to face and he said "I wouldnt say a single word. I would listen to what they had to say, because thats what no one did." hell yeah. everyone wants to target Marilyn Manson and say that because he gets on a stage in dark clothing, big boots, and make up and says what he thinks..that hes the breeding ground for hate and murder. but turn on the news, listen to the president tell our military to go throw bombs and spray bullets at other people, talk to a child whos parents beat him and tell him that hes not good enough, go to a high school and listen to how many people get picked on and ridiculed for simply being themselves...and then throw the blame at Marilyn Manson. when two high school students can sit in their house and make bombs and get a hold of enough weapons and ammunition to fire off 900 rounds at their "fellow" students..then i think theres a little more wrong than the choice of CD that they put in their CD player. wake up and realize that we are doing this to ourselves. fuck our government. they dont even know what the hell to do..theyre just as scared as those helpless kids that had to run and hide under a goddamn table and pray to anyone that would listen that they werent the next to catch a bullet in the face. this world makes me want to sit down and cry. its so depressing that we have to worry about people coming to our schools, workplaces, and our own fucking homes to kill us because satan has taken over the heart of almost every person in this world. im not trying to preach and im not tryind to persuade...this is my journal and im venting. if you didnt think it was halfway interesting than i dont think you would have read this far so fuck it. im just tired of all the hate and stupidity. i dont understand it and i dont want to. i just wish everyone who hasnt seen Bowling for Columbine would watch it and actually listen to it and open your minds and hearts for a little while. i think it would help everyone out if people would accept kindness and try to give a little bit too. we would all be alot better off. the way things are going...i believe we are going to be the end of us all. its scary that your neighbor can be your own worst enemy. i just wish that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold had hearts and just realized that people are going to try and make you feel bad about yourself becuase it makes them feel better and that is the epitomy of pathetic in my eyes. just let people be themselves and live your life. who gives a fuck if a man wants to marry another man or if a woman wants to marry another woman or if someone wants to dye their hair a certain color or wear their make up just a little darker..people are people...lay me down and cut my chest open, i guarantee that my heart and my insides are just like everyone elses...everyone has feelings and no one is invincible. people hurt and its not funny to make them feel that way. everyone needs love and "love is the only house big enough for all the pain in the world." whether you agree with anything i just said or not im glad that i put it up here. im not big on "preaching" or anything but i felt like i needed to say something because this world makes me incredibly sad. i hope everyone is happy in life and tries to make other people feel that same happiness. just take care of yourselves and help eachother. im sure making someone smile will be more fulfilling then shooting a bullet into their chest or making them cry for being the way they are. im done now...goodnight everyone. you are all beautiful.
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| Friday, March 12th, 2004
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7:43 pm - -For a second I wish the tide would swallow every inch of this city-
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things have been really good lately. im actually happy.
i dreamt of somethin last night in my sleep
you were sitting in a room without me
you were smiling and you had a tatoo
of me in a room without you
goodnite all...
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| Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
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7:10 pm - newwwwwwww puppy!
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Sneakers- funny, laid-back, and goofy, you love to
make people laugh and have a good time. You
enjoy comfort and don't care to much about what
people think of you. You like to hang out with
your buddies and just have a good time. [please
vote! thank you! :)]
What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
we got a new puppy...a miniature dachshund (sp?)...hes 6 weeks old and we named him Dutcher. Hes the cutest thing in the world...
ok anyway...im on spring break from school and im quitting my job. saturday is my last night...thank JESUS! i hate that damn job. im so glad im leaving. ive also been looking into schools to be a mortician. i only have about 5 months of school until im done with my pharmacy tech training..then im gonna work for about a year or so and move out and all that and go back to school...should be fun.
me and derrick are doing awesome. its been almost 2 months and im not even sick of him at all. usually by now im ready to get rid of a guy and just be alone. but i dont want that at all with him...its awesome, scary too...but in a good way.
well i dont have much more to say so im gonna go...everyone take care
current mood:  relaxed
current music: Pantera-"Cemetery Gates"
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| Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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8:44 pm - -I'm Back-
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man it has been forever since ive updated. alot has been going on with school and work and family...havent really had time..:(
everything is alright as of right now. im doing good in school and trying to avoid any conflict between me and my parents. its working so far...wish me luck.
me and derrick are doing awesome. hes seriously the greatest, most understanding, coolest guy ive ever ever met in my whole entire life. i liked him for two long years and now im finally with him...watch me mess it up somehow, as i do everything else.
i talked to alyssa the other day for the first time in like 8000000000000000000000 years. it was awesome. i didnt realize how much i missed her until then. i miss her so bad. she says she didnt think i missed her so here alyssa...I MISS YOU!!!!...lol. hopefully she will come back down here soon and see me. we'll see.
well im tired and im about to go to bed...ill update again. sometime. take care everyone.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: "Sad but True" -Metallica
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| Thursday, December 18th, 2003
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11:49 pm
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I think Im actually happy..
But I dont know..
I dont want to get any high hopes..
Lets just see how long this lasts.
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| Friday, December 5th, 2003
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3:33 am - ..:Build a Bridge Made of Pain:..
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I miss the way things were 4 years ago
I miss my parents acting like they like eachother
I miss being able to go to a family function and enjoy myself
I miss the way I used to be
I miss Lauren
I miss the old John
I miss Mattrina
I miss Lindsey and Caleb
I miss high school
I miss being able to watch over my little brother
I miss Tristan
I miss going to local concerts
I miss feeling loved
I miss feeling like I was wanted
I miss not having a job
I miss being a minor
I miss the release
Build a bridge, Make a path
Overlook the Aftermath
Make my tears be your bath
If theres a way
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| Friday, November 28th, 2003
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2:35 am - ..feels like forever..
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havent updated in forever and a fucking day...been working and going to school and all that shit. but now im back..so no more worries :) not that anyof you noticed anyway..but you know.
i went to my grandmas for a while today for thanksgiving then went to wills for more thanksgiving. my day was fun but i missed alot of people today.
i have to work tomorrow from 2-1030..its gonna be gay, but nikki will be there so i think ill make it, only i know the reasoning for that but oh well..its gonna be good times, i hope.
will gave me a new KoRn necklace today :) and the new KoRn cd is amazing!!!!! go get it bitches.
well i better get to bed, ill update again later..or whenever.
current mood:  blah
current music: "Everything Ive Known" - KoRn
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| Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
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2:20 pm
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| Monday, November 3rd, 2003
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11:53 pm - xXxIts Times Like These When Silence Means EverythingxXx
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This past week has been very weird. This past month actually. Alot of stuff has happened that has completely changed the way I view life in its entirety. In some good ways, but more bad.
I have orientation for school tomorrow morning from 11-1. Its gonna suck. I get nauseas when I think about going to school. Im scared. Of everything. Im scared that this senseless, stupid addiction is going to ruin my whole life. I wish I could just make it go away but I cant. And I cant talk to anyone about it because everyone seems to like to open their mouths and if this gets out then Im dead. My parents will never let me live this down.
I start school on Monday the 10th. Ill be don by about August. Too long if you ask me, but I guess it could be worse.
My Dads birthday was yesterday. We all went out for dinner. It was...frustrating. I ended up leaving early and just going to sleep. I dunno..stuff just seems pointless and meaningless lately. I mean I know there are those few people here that actually care about me but I dunno..I cant seem to make myself want to put up the effort.
I mean seriously, how many people would actually attend my funeral and be genuinely upset that it meant I was no longer going to around? Im almost positive I could count them on both of my hands.
Buttttt anywayyy...Im going to go to sleep. I dont really know the meaning or point of this entry but oh well. It kind of sounds like a plea for attention but I assure you thats not its meaning. If you want to think it is..then a big thumbs up to you and you ignorance, but for now...Im off to sleep.
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| Friday, October 24th, 2003
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4:11 pm - ..been a while..
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I just got home from party city. I went and got some balloons and what not for when my cousin comes home. i cant wait for her to get back :) drew ryan is seriously one of the most awesomest guys that has ever lived. if you dont know him, youre missing out. seriously.
i have to be to work at 5 which sucks. but after that im going to see scary movie 3 with Will and John..itll do some good for us all to get away but still be together. I think thats what we all need right now.
well i have to go get ready for work, i just thought id post since it had been so long. take care everyone and God bless :)
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| Monday, October 20th, 2003
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11:40 pm
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| Friday, October 17th, 2003
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4:11 pm
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| Monday, October 13th, 2003
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11:48 pm
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 | INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Calm and pleasant face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population. | Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test |
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11:14 am
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1:35 am
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xbloodygoodbyex's journal
